I’ve been ill for the last two weeks or so. It started with getting ready for work on a Friday, sitting on my bed, and realizing I just couldn’t do it. That’s not me. I can always do what needs to be done. That’s how it is, right? You get tired, you get sick, you get overwhelmed. You pull yourself up and you Get It Done.
Nope. There wasn’t a chance I was doing anything more than crawling back into bed. Okay, I thought, everyone needs a mental health day now and then. Take it, guilt free, and hit the ground hard on Monday. Good plan. Solid plan.
I spent that day doing absolutely nothing. I was so exhausted, walking to another room felt like a Herculean task.
The next day, I felt better. Got stuff done. Went out. Normal life, right? Not so much. You see, Sunday greeted me with chills and a fever. But I’m an adult and these are not the things that can take me down. So I went to bed early, woke up and went to work.
That started a Journey Into Stupidity. Over the week, I got sicker and sicker. A cough settled in that continuously racked me. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t function. And yet, I kept pushing. Kept driving to work, kept slogging through the day.
Eventually, it all caught up and yanked my feet out from under me. I listened. By that point, I was scared. I didn’t know what was tearing at me and without insurance, I wasn’t likely to find out. But I knew I should not be this sick. It was a cough, for fuck’s sake, not the plague.
So why am I telling you this? It’s not whining. It’s warning. We drive ourselves to the breaking point and beyond. We have jobs, and children, and responsibilities, and we have to get it all done.
I’m terrible at asking for help. Really really bad at it. I have to learn to be better. Being sick stole time and productivity, but it also stole my words. I couldn’t write. I could barely think. That’s unacceptable and I did it to myself.
I’m still recovering. Still tired. But I’m coming back to me and I’m taking care to do so right. I’ve cleaned up social media so there is less pulling at me. I’ve set aside some plans and goals – not eradicated, but delayed. I’m trying to be reasonable about what I can and cannot do. To not set the entire damned candle on fire.
Manage your resources, peeps. Candles burn from one end only.